I’m the Satanic Santa Claus, and I’m Here to Take Your Linen Away
It’s probably quite boring you reading about my work, but suffer. That’s what I’m going to talk about here. (Again).
Today I had a guy come in to the uni I work at. I went over to him to help him.
Me: Can I help you with anything?
Fruit Loop Man: I HAVE DISCOVERED THE SUPERMAN MEDICINE!
Me: I see.
Fruit Loop Man: THIS WILL GIVE YOU SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH!
Me: Will it make me fly?
Fruit Loop Man: Um, no. BUT IT WILL GIVE YOU SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH!
Me: Riiiiiight.
Fruit Loop Man: I DISCOVERED THIS ON A FARM IN 1978 AND I AM THE INVENTOR OF THE SUPERMAN MEDICINE! PEOPLE ARE SO NAIVE, WHY DON’T THEY BELIVE ME ?!
Me (thinking probably because you’re an absolute stick figure man): Well, we’re really not interested. Sorry.
Fruit Loop Man: POTATO SALAD!
Me: The exit’s over there.
Also at work today, we had a guy come in to take away the linen we have at the uni away for cleaning, but you should’ve seen this guy. He was like a really buggered up version of Santa Claus, the way he walked out swinging the linen over his shoulder in a giant red bag. To me, he looked like a walking example of why drugs in the workplace just don’t work.
Did you notice Channel 9 are currently showing repeats of The Price Is Right in the afternoons? I think that’s as lame as it gets - the Price is Right is bad enough, but repeats?! Haven’t we suffered enough?
Having said that, here is:
Things I Would Do If I Ever Was A Contestant On (The Now Sadly Demised) Price Is Right:
* Say “Let go of my fucking hand you moron!”
* Say “You’ve got sweaty palms”
* Enquire “Is that a wart?”
* Declare “Mmm, I like a man who doesn’t shave his palms”
* Announce “That model over there hasn’t waxed her bikini line”
* Wonder “Does that guy come with the vacuum fixtures?”
* Mutter “How much would I get for that at Cash Converters?”
* Murmur “3,, no… 2… no… … 3…no…. 3…no.. 2, oh sod it”
* Think hard, then announce “All right Larry, I’ll come back next week”
* Ask to buy a vowel
* While the theme music plays, suddenly look down the camera and say ‘I choose contestant number 3!’
* Suddenly exclaim, ‘Oh, Candid Camera! Ha, ha!’
* For no apparent reason scream ‘PHYSICAL CHALLENGE’
* Strut up and down then push Larry into the pool, a la Man O Man
* Say ‘I’ll take Darryl Somers from Hey Hey thanks Glen’
* Start humming the theme from ‘I Do, I Do’
* Ask where Ossie Ostrich went
* Say ‘Ha! You can get one of those for 50c in an op shop!’
* When someone else’s name gets called out, come on down anyway
* Ask to be read your rights
* Ask if you can have that in cash instead
* When you’re at the end facing off with another player, turn round and stab them so you win
* Ask to see a lawyer
* In the game where you use golf clubs to hit the ball in the hole, just turn around and go on a rampage whacking everyone and every technical item in sight
* In the playoff game when you have to guess the price, when the other contestant has narrowed it down to below $54 987 and above $54 985, say “ummmm…..$54 620.”
* Stumble off stage muttering “Sorry, thought it was Denise Drysdale’s show”
* When you’ve just won a TV set ask if you can take it home and try it out for a couple of weeks before you buy it
* Ask if they have EFTPOS
* When they show the item you’re bidding for, say ‘I can only afford $5’
* When they show the item you’re bidding for, put on that really fake face they all do when they’re trying to look excited about the complete set of ‘Tourist Guide To Colac’ videos that are somehow valued at $400
* At the start of the show crash into the studio with a shopping trolley looking for Ian Turpie and the miniature supermarket
* Say ‘Whammie’
* Remind Larry of his earlier game show attempt ‘The Main Event’ which is actually by some bizarre coincidence screening at 3.30am on Saturday morning
* Remind Larry of his show before ‘The Main Event’ that only lasted 3 episodes…. ‘Family Double Dare’
* Bring a placard protesting against the sacking of Baby John Burgess from Wheel Of Fortune