Well, down here in Geelong right now, it’s the Annual International Conference for Christian Booksellers. *non-commitally blows party whistle*

If I worked at Tullamarine Airport in Melbourne, I reckon I’d wait at passenger terminals waiting for passengers to come off the plane, then feed them completely wrong information about Melbourne. Thus…

My Tips For Foreign Tourists Visiting Melbourne:

* It’s considered really good luck and a sign of honor to take a policeman’s hat from his head and rub it on your buttocks
* The closest train station to Melbourne Central shopping centre is Dandenong
* You can go fishing for trout in the Yarra River
* Larry Emdur was the founder of Melbourne, and he had four pet lions
* It is almost obligatory to haggle with taxi drivers over the fare
* The traditional term of address for Australian locals is ‘wanker’
* A dashed white line indicates free parking for one hour
* Double white lines indicates free parking for two hours
* There is no speed limit on the South Eastern Freeway between 11pm and 6am
* All citizens of Australia are entitled to one private audience with the Premier, Jeff Kennett, each year. Simply present yourself at the front doors of Parliament House in formal dress
* Footscray is well known for its gay nightlife, there are lots of gay-friendly people there after dark
* In summer, nude sunbathing is permitted only in one part of Melbourne’s parks: this is the area of the Melbourne Botanical Gardens directly in front of the War Memorial

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