Ajax Spray & Wipe Household Cleaner. It smells so nice, so why not use it as an ingredient in meals? I thought I should check it was okay to do this by calling their Consumer Information Service hotline.

Consumer Information Representative: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: Hi. I’ve got this bottle of Ajax here.
Consumer Information Representative: Yes.
Me: I’m planning to use it as part of my dinner tonight, and just wanted to make sure it was okay to eat.
Consumer Information Representative: (long period of silence)
Me: It doesn’t say anywhere not to eat it. I want to make sure.
Consumer Information Representative: Is this a joke?
Me: No. It’s not a joke.
Consumer Information Representative: Uh… sir-
Me: The only warning is to keep it out of your eyes. Now, my partner can be strange, but I don’t think he’s going to sit down in front of a nice hearty serving of fruity cheesy sweet & sour mystery balls and try to insert them in his eye sockets.
Consumer Information Representative: Sir, if you’re going to continue to-
Me: I could send you the recipe if you want, to get it checked out.
Consumer Information Representative: (sighs)
Me: It even wipes out e-coli, so if there’s any germs in the food, they’ll definitely be cooked out! It’s such a useful product, you know.
Consumer Information Representative: Sir, this is a cleaning product, designed to break down-
Me: It breaks down, and I quote, “easily by natural processes into harmless substances”!
Consumer Information Representative: Sir, I am ending this call. Good day.
Me: Screw you! Jif always did make a better garnish, anyway!

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