I’ve noticed a hazard on our roads. It’s the breed of bike rider who wears a fluorescent vest. This type of bike rider believes that they are a professional rider, and therefore have permission to not use the bicycle lane of the road. That’s right – as they are such a great bike rider, they’re […]

I am so exhausted. Yesterday we had the choice of working if we wanted to, for double time and a half. I tell you what, I’ve definitely earned it. That was easily the busiest day I’ve seen at my work. (What made it worse was that for some reason, every time Ms. J recieved a […]

This morning, as I stumbled out of the house still half asleep (well, that’s what happens when you stay up late 6 nights in a row - God, I love Nodoze tablets), I noticed I was a bit low on petrol and decided to fill up.
I’ve already mentioned here that I dread going to […]

Today as I was driving in to work, I drove past a van that at first I thought said ‘Geelong Breweries’. When I looked at it again, I realised it actually said ‘Geelong Rewiring’. Dyslexia, anyone?
I found out today that Monowoman, who sits next to me, is a big fan of the band Aqua. […]

Things To Not Get Excited About In The New Millenium #851:
‘Sale of the Century’ is change its name to ‘Sale of the New Century’. Believe it or not. Apparently the whole show is getting an enormous make over (this includes Glen Ridge’s hair, which is approaching Ray Martin status).
I still maintain my theory that […]

At work today we had to do a Kris Kringle (you know, that thing how you buy a present for someone but you don’t tell anyone who it is). I left it until the last minute to get a pressie (we’re only supposed to spend $5 to $10), and I figured, why not just buy […]

Ms. J, who I sit next to at work, has discovered my Game Boy, and now sits glued to the thing all day. It’s a bit suspicious though, because the game she plays the most is Pokemon Pinball, which has a built-in feature which makes the Game Boy vibrate when you hit something in the […]

My sister’s high school is about to have a Christmas market. My mum’s helping organise it, and she’s trying to think of things to put in an ad they’re going to put in the paper:
My mum: Maybe I should just put on it that we’re having devonshire teas. People like devonshire tea. That’ll make […]

jowl: n. loose hanging skin at the on the throat or neck. (Source: a dictionary with 1266 pages and a navy blue cover)
This is my most hated word in the English language. Jowls on an old man are one of my biggest phobias. Jowls on women’s arms follow a close second. Even the word […]

I was looking through the front pocket of my backpack today, and it’s one of those backpack compartments where you just seem to accumulate crap. I realised there were 5 different kinds of mints sitting in there - one of which I never even remember buying.
I’m sure you’ve heard Tic Tacs being called Barbie […]

How to cause anarchy, #582:
Shopping centre public announcement system: Attention please. The alarms you are hearing are fire alarms. We are currently determining if there is a fire. Please stay alert and on standby for further instructions.
Entire shopping centre full of highly-strung Christmas present shoppers: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Yes, when I was in Bay City Plaza […]

This morning at breakfast, my mum suddenly stared wide-eyed at her bowl of cereal, and pulled a piece of tooth out of it. I must admit, it takes a lot to put me off my breakfast, but getting a tooth in a box of cereal, that’s a bit sus. Mum rang up the cereal company […]

Things You Don’t Want To Hear While You’re Having Morning Tea #92:
Ant: Oh, I was so sick on Saturday with a hangover, I think I threw up my stomach lining. It wasn’t even the color of anything I’d eaten, it was like khaki green.
Ant has this habit of assuming whenever you have a […]

I noticed last night on SBS there was a documentary on Stonehenge. I bet centuries ago, a group of real smartarse druids all gathered around for a meeting…
Head Druid: What are our plans for the next year? Shall we chop more herbs from trees with golden sickles?
Another druid: I know! Let’s build a giant […]

I just realised the other day my New Year’s Eve plans are totally botched up. Normally I go to the Falls Festival in Lorne (a music festival) but all the tickets have sold out. Ant reckons he’s going to just hire a good car on New Year’s Eve, and drive around town charging people $20 […]

Today at work…
Ant: I died my hair blonde because apparently blondes have more fun.
Blonde woman: Oh, but then you cop all that dumb blonde stuff.
Me: Ant’s dumb anyway. He just had to die his hair to face up to his stupidity.
Blondes have more fun? Hmm. If I die my hair black, do I […]

I hate having to go to the petrol station on my way to work. The reason I can’t stand it so much is because I usually haven’t woken up properly, and there’s no ruder wake-up call than inside a service station store. There’s so many colourful displays and things jumping out at me… it’s far […]

Once again, I got somebody else’s voicemail on my mobile phone. I keep getting phone calls for a guy named John from Sydney. The problem is, all his friends seem to have speech disabilities as they’re terribly difficult to understand. I think he got offered a job today, which is really bad. I wish I […]

You thought it had ended with the laser lights in cinemas (see yesterday’s entry), but here is…
Stupid Crimes To Be Imprisoned For #2:
(Scene: Jail cell)
Hardarse thug: If only I hadn’t have held up that jewellery store, I wouldn’t have been chucked in here for the next 10 years.
Another hardarse thug: If I had […]

My Illness Update: It’s getting to that stage where I know I’m almost better, but if I go out or something I’ll probably have a complete relapse. I want to go and see the new Toy Story movie but I’ll look pretty dumb if I run out of a screening of Toy Story because I […]

I found out today: I don’t have glandular fever. Hurrah! I did nothing to celebrate this fact except watch Beauty and the Beast again (if I was unemployed, I’d probably start watching this show on a regular basis, so it’s lucky for my mental health I do have a job). And by the way, has […]

In case you couldn’t tell by the weather, it’s summer. Or as my friend called it last night, “the time of year when men get drunk and beat up their wives”. Hmm.
I’m still having problems with my sickness, and I think it’s going beyond the reach of the jellyfish (see previous few entries). This morning […]

Wouldn’t you know it, right in the middle of this hot weather, our fridge starts playing up. Everything has gone frozen in the fridge, and let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like the novelty of frozen processed cheese.
I’m still an eensy bit sick still, I’m mainly just running a temperature. I went to work […]