The Weight Watchers All-Pretzel Diet™
December 14, 1999
This morning at breakfast, my mum suddenly stared wide-eyed at her bowl of cereal, and pulled a piece of tooth out of it. I must admit, it takes a lot to put me off my breakfast, but getting a tooth in a box of cereal, that’s a bit sus. Mum rang up the cereal company while I was at work, with a legal case in mind. She told me when she got home that just as she was about to ring up the cereal company she realised that the piece of tooth was actually hers.
*****
We’re getting even less calls at work now. I only took one call all day, and that was only somebody who’d dialed the wrong number, so I had to transfer them. Our days are numbered.
So I’m still munching on pretzels all day. Ms. J., who I share my cubicle with, told me today:
Ms. J: Pretzels are FULL of fat, you know.
Me (doing a pretty good job of pretending I care): Really?
Ms. J (looking at my stick figure body frame): Yep. So keep eating them.
*****
One of the things I did today because I was so bored was to look through a catalog of Ray’s Tent City. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as an Esky you can plug into a power point to keep it cold. I might get one of those, bring it into work, plug it in, and put it on my head. That’ll get me through summer.
*****
I bought a pair of sunglasses from Clint’s Crazy Bargains the other day. Now, they were only $6.95, so I’m not expecting more than a few months from them, but I had a look at my docket today. This is the name of the company that makes them, as it appears on my receipt:
Yes, that does say ‘Bodgie Bros.’ Now that’s a company I’ve got a lot of confidence in.
*****
The people who sit around me and Ms. J are a bit rude - we always try to talk to them and they basically just snob us off. But today we almost fell over sideways as one of the most hostile women of the group came into our cubicle and started up a conversation with me. After she left:
Ms. J: You know what? I think she’s after you.
Me: She obviously hasn’t done her research then.*****
Oh yeah - there’s a new Donkey Kong game out for the Nintendo 64. I have no idea why, but I think Donkey Kong is pretty cool - I have a little soft toy of Donkey Kong on my desk at work. I’ve got no idea why Donkey Kong wears a tie though. He should go the whole hog and wear a tuxedo. But then again, there are probably plenty of…
Possible Explanations as to Why You Never See Gorillas Wearing Tuxedos:
* The chimps tease them
* They don’t have a driver’s licence to photocopy as security when they hire them
* They’re never invited to any important functions
* There are no gorilla after-dinner speakers
* They can’t afford to go on cruise ships
* They need bigger pockets to store bananas
* The orangutangs hired them all first
* They actually do wear tuxedos, we just can’t see it through all the mist
* Myer and Grace Bros stores are few and far between in Zimbabwe
* They feel all ‘poncy’ and don’t want to get their photo taken
* They’re overqualified to get jobs as bouncers
* They would wear tuxedos, if only they could find the right shirt
* The Melbourne Zoo is a bit short of cash
* You’re just not in the right place at the right time
* They have nothing to celebrate
* It’s been almost thirty years since the Hollywood premiere of Planet of the Apes
* They prefer to eat them
* Gorillas only wear them on special occasions. Because the occasion is so special, they also have a shave and are therefore mistaken for plumbers, painters and builders
