Also Coming Up on Sports Tonight: All the Latest Results from the Combined Jiu-Jitsu/Snooker National Championships
Ms. J is an avid reader of the Geelong Advertiser, Geelong’s local newspaper. It’s not tabloid-y enough for me which is probably why I don’t read it. I’m sure most of you at one time or another (for varying reasons) took a look through the phone sex ads in the classified ads section of a newspaper. There’s a really disturbing sex ad that’s been running in the Geelong Advertiser for some years now called Grandma’s Phone Talk. I’m going to try and get a copy of the ad and scan it in to prove this, but can you imagine the phone service?
Grandma: Hello, and welcome to (wheeze) Grandma’s Phone Talk.
Senior citizen: Wowee mama.
Grandma: This call costs $4.95 a minute… to accept the charges press zero on your phone.
Senior citizen: (presses zero)
Grandma: …If you’ve got your Senior’s Card handy, enter the number in now for a discount on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I’m not the only one noticing strange things in newspapers. Today Adam was telling me about a story he read in a local newspaper in Sydney. Apparently there’s a bit of competition going on amongst McDonalds employees in Sydney to become the most efficient McDonalds, as the most efficient staff will win the fabled prize of being able to serve McDonalds at the Olympic Games McDonalds restaurant. It’s almost ironic that, considering the crap they serve out, McDonalds sponsor an event featuring the most elite athletes in the world, but I’ll forgive them. Those Oreo McFlurries are so blerdy nice..
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Songs I Want To Create Hard Rock Versions Of, #298:
The theme from the original ‘Tetris’ on the Gameboy
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Mental note: must never take inspiration from Spice Girls. I quote from the latest issue of Who Weekly: ‘When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a checkout operator when I grew up. I loved the sound of the cash register. Bing!’ – Baby Spice
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There’s a girl who sits in the area opposite where myself, Ms. J and The Rock sit. She’s got really sore legs and a sore back at the moment, I think it’s from some sport she’s been playing. The Rock was recommending her sports therapist to her for some sort of massage…
The Rock: He’s really good at massage, he’s fixed all my injuries.
Sore back woman: Is he cute?
The Rock: Yeah, he’s real cute.
Sore back woman: I don’t want to get massaged by a cute guy. I don’t want someone really cute feeling my fat ripple underneath his hands.
The Rock: I think he’s married.
Sore back woman: I guess that makes it okay, kinda…
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I’ve noticed when people’s computers break at work, they defy logic and just scream ‘Work! …Work, godammit, work!’ I think they’re using what I call the jackhammer theory– keep pounding away with a request and you’ll get what you want. Even if it is a totally stupid thing to do in the first place. Another common use of the jackhammer theory is when people are waiting at traffic lights, and they keep pounding on the button that lets you cross the pedestrian crossing. Also, you’ll often see people using the jackhammer theory when they come across a locked door they have no key for, they’ll just keep trying to open the door handle. I don’t know if they think they’re loosening up the door or what, but everyone does it. Can anyone else think of dumb examples of the jackhammer theory?
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Jeb Official Bad Things: Netball
I’m sorry, (and I know that I’ll get angry email from netball players for this), but I find netball to be the most boring, tedious, Diet-Coke-basketball game around. Adam and I have decided that in order to inject some excitement into the game, players be allowed to incorporate karate moves into the game.
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Overheard today while I was waiting for the lift:
Man wearing bad novelty tie: So you didn’t lose your virginity while you were at high school?
Man wearing bad gold chain: No, I didn’t actually.
Man wearing bad novelty tie: I thought everyone slept with someone they went to high school with. Personally, I did.
Man wearing bad gold chain: Well, that would have involved a major lifestyle change, as I went to a boys school.