I was on my way to work yesterday morning, driving up the highway, when suddenly the traffic slowed to a 30 kph crawl, in a 70 zone. It seemed everyone was craning their necks out of their car windows at something on the left side of the highway.

Then it dawned on me. The Torquay McDonalds had discreetly opened, and was being flooded with customers - and this was only at 7.30am in the morning. The carpark was already overflowing down the street. It was a rather quiet opening - it wasn’t advertised at all. All very mysterious. I guess they didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ so to speak, having already got enough opposition against the store in Torquay.

It’s a very eerie looking McDonalds. There’s no giant McDonalds sign out the front (it was part of the conditions of opening up a McDonalds store in Torquay). There’s no McDonalds signs except for one M sign over the door to the store. It’s not half built or anything, it’s completely constructed, it’s just that… well, you can almost feel the restaraunt trying to SUCK you in like some sort of vortex. I’ll have to check it out and give you all my report on it. (I think there’s nothing funnier than a McDonalds staff member on their first day of the job - can you imagine a whole store full of staff having their first day?)

I’ll have to try and resist the mysterious Torquay McDonalds pull in future, however. I’ll try and use some association psychology, maybe eat a cheeseburger while looking at pictures of Bert Newton’s penis or something.

*****

A very happy birthday to fine, distinguished actor Matthew Krok, who turns 18 today! For the uneducated among you, Mr. Krok put in a fine performance a few years ago as the fat kid in sadly demised bland Australian sitcom ‘Hey Dad!’.

*****

A while ago on my journal, I had a list of stupid Australian town names. One of these towns was Iron Knob, if I recall correctly. I actually got a call at work today from a customer who lived in Iron Knob. I particularly liked the way he kept referring to living in Iron Knob as being ‘up the knob’.

*****

Don’t miss next Tuesday’s episode of Jerry Springer - ‘I Married My Uncle!’. Broadcasting live from Tasmania, I believe… (Don’t email me! Don’t email me!)

I find it rather alarming to hear that Kerri-Anne Kennerly is currently writing her own sitcom, which she plans to star in. We can only hope it’s confined to some obscure channel on cable TV.

*****

Almost a month ago now, I was at a party with some friends of mine, and one of my mates made it quite clear that he was interested in this chick I knew, and could I arrange a night out with her for him? Just this week I rang up my female friend, and said that this particular guy was interested in going out:

Me: He really likes you.
Female friend: Oh no no no no no no no no.
Me: He wants to know if you can meet up or something.
Female friend: Oh no no no no no no no no.
Me: Don’t blame me, I’m just passing on information.
Female friend: Oh no no no no no no no no…. mmmh ok I’ll meet him.

Then I rang my mate:

Me: Well, she’s all for it.
My mate: Uhm uhm uhm…
Me: You’ll have to ring her to organise where you want to go or whatever.
My mate: Uhm uhm uhm…
Me: So is it okay?
My mate: Uhm uhm uhm… uhm…

I feel like bloody Dexter the Robot from Perfect Match.

*****

Pivotal Differences Between New South Wales and Victoria

New South Wales: You can set your alarm clock to wake you up every morning

Victoria: You can set your alarm clock to wake you up every morning - provided the state’s power supply hasn’t gone up shit creek again

*****

We were discussing the new Torquay McDonalds at work:

Me: I’m going to go and get an Oreo McFlurry. They’re yum.
Ms. B: What’s the point of those Milo McFlurries?
Me: What do you mean?
Ms. B: Well, if I wanted Milo in ice cream, I could make it at home.
Me: Well, you could make a cheeseburger at home if you wanted, but nobody can get fast food to that vomit inducing level like McDonalds.

Then we started debating over if that rumour that McDonalds soft serve ice cream really does have 40% pig fat in it is true or not. Then when we were all on phone calls and concentrating, Jolly Man started pretending he was milking a pig and making squealing noises. (Does anyone know if there’s any truth to that pig fat rumour, by the way?)

I’ve also noticed how people have their normal voice, then they have their work telephone voice. People will talk in their normal, yobbo voice, then when they answer the phone, they’ll answer it in the voice of a timid peeping sparrow… ‘How can I help you?’

I’m getting a little bit slack at work lately. Probably because I know I’ve got only one and a half weeks left of working there. I’ve found you can get away with walking around and socialising with other workers - as long as you hold some pieces of paper in your hand. It makes you look busy and as though you’re on your way somewhere. At my old work, I found hanging around the fax to socialise worked well too. It makes it look like you’re expecting a fax.

I’ve been talking with people in email at the moment about energy drinks, especially the drink V. I think Adam said to me last week he saw someone having bourbon mixed with not Coke but V energy drink, and his heart was doing all sorts of strange things. I’ve heard that if you have too much V it can really make your heart go weird. Anyway, Ms. B had been reading an article about V in the paper today…

Ms. B: Geez, these drinks must be dangerous. It says in this article that after a woman had half a can of V energy drink, she passed out.
Me: I’d ask for my money back. Passing out is the opposite of being energetic.

*****

I was talking in yesterday’s entry about how you get in an awkward situation and suddenly wish FuckIwishIcouldstartagain. If you’ve ever been in a situation like this and thought fuckIwishIcouldstartagain, email me and let me know… To give you an idea of what I mean, here’s something that happened to me at the start of 1998, when I’d just moved out of home up to Melbourne. This happened during my very first visit ever to an Irish pub.

Me: I’ll have a Guiness thanks.
Barman with Irish accent: Will that be a pint or a half pint?
Me: (not understanding his accent) Pardon?
Barman with Irish accent: (shouting above music) Will that be a PINT or a HALF PINT?

I couldn’t understand what he was on about. Because of his accent, I thought he was saying something that rhymed with ‘mint’, but I wasn’t sure what it was. So I said…

Me: I’LL HAVE A HALF BINT THANKS.

Except I pronounced ‘bint’ so it rhymed with ‘mint’. The barman gave me a really dirty look, thinking I was making fun of his accent. I only realised afterwards what he’d actually asked me and thought to myself… fuckIwishIcouldstartagain.

*****

There’s a new guy at our work. Ms. B, Jolly Man, The Angry Brit and myself are all debating over if he looks more like (a) Captain Haddock from the comic Tintin or (b) the captain from the Birds Eye Fish Fingers ad on TV. This has lead to all sorts of shenanigans, mostly Jolly Man exclaiming ‘Blistering barnacles!’ whenever the guy walks near us, and a group singalong of the Birds Eye Fish Fingers song.

The Angry Brit: I’ll tell you a tale of the seven seas…
The rest of us: (gleefully) Birds Eye Fish Fingers!
Captain Haddock lookalike: (walks past with incredibly confused look on his face)

This, of course, led to me getting the Birds Eye Fish Fingers song in my head all day. Then to top that off, I got that bloody Monorail song from The Simpsons stuck in my head. Again. All day I was sitting there either joining in a chorus of ‘Birds Eye Fish Fingers!’ or muttering ‘Monorail… Monorail…’ to myself.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 9th, 2000 at 11:29 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.