I think I outdid myself yesterday at work. I reached into my backpack to get a pen, and stuck it behind my ear. Well, I was about to stick it behind my ear, when I realised I’d pulled out a toothbrush instead of a pen. I don’t even know what the hell a toothbrush was doing in my backpack.

I also spent a good hour or two lining up at the Commonwealth Bank at lunch. I try to do most of my banking over the net or the phone because it takes so long to line up. One thing that really irritates me is when you ring up the Commonwealth Bank and you have to listen to one hundred and one options to choose from. Then when you make a selection and have to wait for a customer service officer, you then have to listen to a recording of some woman telling you how great the bank is. Then every now and then she bleatingly promises that ‘your service is important to us and we will assist you as soon as possible’. Well, I think this system could be applied in the bank itself when people are lining up. I could volunteer to do the job and welcome people as they walk in.

Bank customer: (walks into Commonwealth Bank branch and blinks in shock at the long queue)
Me: (in overly soothing voice) Welcome to the Commonwealth Bank. If you have an enquiry about a savings or cheque account, please join queue number one. If you have an enquiry about a credit card, please join queue number two. If you have an enquiry about a loan, please join queue number three. For all other enquiries, please join queue number four.
Bank customer: (stumbles into a queue confusedly)
Me: (pulls out megaphone): THANK YOU FOR WAITING EVERYONE. YOUR SERVICE IS IMPORTANT TO US AND WE WILL ASSIST YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

*****

There’s a girl in our cubicle pod at work who’s been sick on and off over the past few weeks. Whenever she comes back into work, Jolly Man and The Angry Brit have this little routine they do.

The Angry Brit: Welcome back to work.
Sick girl: (wheeze) Thanks.
Jolly Man: You were a bit sick, eh?
Sick girl: Yeah. I spent most of the weekend in bed.
The Angry Brit: She was FLAT ON HER BACK.
Jolly Man and The Angry Brit: (collapse into laughter)

*****

Do you know the kind of people who really give me the irrits? Well, there’s two types of people I suppose. The first kind of person is the materalistic person. I don’t care how much money you’re earning or all about your fantastic expensive apartment. Then again, we’ve all been guilty of being materalistic at some time in our life. (Come on! Don’t try and tell me when you were in Grade 1 you’d try and be best friends with the kid who had the Lego pirate ship set, or the electronic version of the Battleship board game).

I also don’t really like people who have to better than everyone else. A classic example occured at my work’s Christmas party. There’s a certain guy at work who’s really nice, but his wife is a real pain. Everything you say, she has to top it. Ms. J was having a conversation with her at this party for about five minutes before she realised what she was like.

Ms. J: I’m having a bit of trouble walking at the moment - believe it or not, I actually got clipped by a car at a crossing the other week. (Note: This is true)
Have-to-be-better woman: Oh, really? A few weeks ago I actually rolled my car three times into a gully. (Note: This is most likely bullshit)

I found out Ms. J has this terrible way of getting her boyfriend to buy new clothes. She’s tried to take him to Myer a few times before to get him to try on clothes but he just goes ‘Mmmmmmwwwerrrrgh’ and goes to the pub. What she does now, is take him to the pub FIRST, get him a bit pissed, then he’s all happy and tries on any clothes she wants.

*****

It’s a bit of a warm day down here in Torquay today. The kids next door have got one of those backyard waterslide things that you hook up to a hose and slide down. Basically just a bit of plastic with a little wading pool at the end. Fun for kids.

My dad actually works with plastics, and when I was a kid he decided that he wanted to get us a backyard waterslide too - but be damned if he’d pay for it. That’s right, he decided he’d make one himself. All he really did was just get an enormous sheet of plastic and put bricks down on each corner to hold it down. Then he just sprayed the hose on it to make it wet.

This backyard waterslide was around, oh, three times longer than your normal, safe backyard waterslide. Bear in mind where I live, is on a steepish slope. Me and my sisters were all excited that we had our own backyard waterslide, so I volunteered to try it out first. I took an enormous run up, landed on my belly, and sped forward at an accelerating speed I wasn’t expecting. I realised that I wasn’t slowing down as I reached the end of the waterslide and ended up collecting both bricks before crashing into the clothesline. We didn’t use the backyard waterslide after that.

*****

Okay, time for a serious rant. I don’t do this often unless something’s really, really bugging me. Let me just say something before I continue, however. I would never, ever bag someone’s taste in music. Whatever music you like is your own business, if it makes you happy. Sure, I don’t agree with the target audience marketing behind synthetic groups like the Backstreet Boys but if they make some people happy, then that’s fine by me. It doesn’t mean I have to like them. So if I’m criticising a band, it’s just my opinion - I’ve got nothing against you if you like them.
(deep breath) If you are a Killing Heidi fan, maybe you should just skip this paragraph…

Okay. So Aussie band Killing Heidi have got themselves an instant platinum album in the first week of release and two big singles. However, they would not be where they are today if it wasn’t for their money hungry manager. Many of you will know that Triple J “Unearthed” Killing Heidi. Go and take a listen to the song that won them the contest, ‘Kettle’. Quite a different sounding band, you’ll agree.

Some guy who knew a money making enterprise when he saw one quickly approached the band to sign them up to his own record label (they are the only artist on the label). (Correct me if the following part is wrong in any way). He then promptly kicked out two of the band’s members and replaced them with what were effectively session players for hire. He got them to record their songs, and most of the time the two original members and the two new members didn’t even get to record at the same time. Their manager then bastardised their songs and tweaked them to make them top 40 friendly. (Example: Are those cheesy keyboards in ‘Mascara’ really that necessary?)

Now they’re the darlings of the Austereo Radio Network (2Day FM, PMFM, Fox FM etc) and Triple M. Triple M have even recently launched a campaign with people saying ‘Yeah, I like Triple M because they give new Aussie artists a play, like Killing Heidi’. Name one other ‘new Aussie artist’ they give a decent chance. This band has been hideously marketed by their manager, and they sound nothing like the band that won the Unearthed contest - something even singer Ella admits, when asked if their manager had played around with the sound of the band.

Don’t get me wrong. This band has talent, but I think their manager is making extreme moves, and pushing them too far too soon. They’ll inevitably get overseas stardom with this album but maybe they weren’t supposed to have success overseas until their next album. The band are probably having the time of their lives, but the whole thing just smells a bit too plasticky to me. For God’s sake, you go out and buy a bottle of Pepsi Max and it’s got a picture of Killing Heidi on the front. I’m not joking, go and check at your supermarket. I encourage people who agree/disagree with my opinions to email me - especially if I’ve made any errors here.

Rant over.

*****

I saw the Killing Heidi Pepsi bottles at a Coles supermarket in Geelong yesterday, actually. I also saw a bag snatcher in action. That’s right, a bag snatcher. Except he wasn’t stealing handbags, he was stealing plastic shopping bags. I was lining up at the checkout, and every time the cashier turned around to put money in the register, this guy would reach over and steal plastic shopping bags from underneath the desk.

*****

Imagine if Michael Jackson was an Australian celebrity. By now, he’d be doing the RSL circuit. I can see him on a stage under a disco ball drawing bingo games for the senior citizens…

Michael Jackson: (high pitched voice) And the next number is eleven, legs eleven, eleven. Eleven is my pet monkey Bubbles’ favourite number, by the way.

(Great. Now I’m going to get email from Killing Heidi fans and Michael Jackson fans as well.)

*****

I have been told by three people in my whole life now that I have a big ribcage. I’m sure there’s a rib-festish porn market somewhere in Canberra I can make money from.

*****

I was talking in my last journal entry about my friend Steve from the community radio station. Well, last night I went to the party that was being organised by the Adam lookalike guy from my work. By some strange coincidence Steve had decided to turn up to this party as well, with his purple milk crate fetish girlfriend in tow. Talking to Steve when he’s not drunk is confusing, but talking to him when he is drunk… well I can never keep up with all his new schemes and things. I don’t think I’ll ever see Steve again seeing as I’m moving to Sydney, but then again Steve moves to cities all around Australia at the drop of a hat. The last I saw of him at the party, he’d just finished telling me how he wanted to write a script to see if it really was possible to make a movie out of Tetris, when he turned to the person next to him and started an argument over if only hippies eat Vege-Chips or not.

Vege Chips aren’t that bad, are they? I used to munch on them while I was reading in bed. Adam reckons I’m not allowed to eat in bed when I move in with him, but we’ll see about that. I don’t see how he can stop me.

*****

Have you ever had one of those days where you see heaps of poeople you went to school with? In my lunchtime yesterday, I saw 4 people I went to high school with, and I’m scared of all of them. First of all I saw a nerd conglomerate huddling around outside a Chinese takeaway food outlet, three people who used to try and talk to me in high school, but would only leave me alone when I started to punch them. I saw Evan, the walking encyclopedia on the Air Force, who had the gayest mannerisms but assured us all that he wasn’t. Even though he was really really interested in the Air Force. Then there was Challis. This guy thought that ‘Scatman’ song that was released in the mid-nineties was the best song of all time. All day he’d be going “Skeeeee bop bop ba-dop bop… I’m the Scatman”. Then there was Shannon, the towering, silent red head who was the most nervous and shy person I’d ever met. Well, he used to be. He now gets around looking like a poor imitation of a seventies punk, but I know he’s only doing it because all the quiet people in high school are obliged to become psycho once they leave.

Then I walked along a bit further and spotted someone on the other end of the people-spectrum from high school. Webbo, the biggest hard-arse in my school, who would always bash me up in the back of the school bus. He’s turned into an absolute tank, so I thought I’d steer well clear of him in case he got that glazed over look in his eyes I used to be so familiar with.

I bet he turned out gay.

*****

There’s a guy outside Bay City Plaza in Geelong who busks by playing accoustic guitar and accompanying himself on the harmonica at the same time. The problem is, one instrument always suffers at the expense of the other. It’s as if he shifts his concentration between one instrument and the other. He’ll do wicked harmonica solos while he twangs away at blantly wrong notes on the guitar, then perform power chords while blowing randomly into his harmonica. Poor guy isn’t making much money.

*****

Last night I was woken up by my mum, who was screaming in her bedroom.

My mum: DO YOU STILL FUCKING LOVE ME?
My dad: Mmmmwrgh? Hmmmwhaaaa? (waking up)
My mum: DO YOU STILL FUCKING LOOOOOVE ME? (sobbing noise)
My dad: MMwwwwwahh?

She explained to me just before that she’d had a bad dream that my dad had been cheating on her. When she woke up she didn’t realise it had all been a dream. It’s things like this that make me glad I’m moving out.

*****

I was reading on the ABC News website at work yesterday that New York has introduced special cameras that police use in large crowds. Basically these cameras can track a crowdful of faces, and can pick out criminals by comparing their facial features to a police database.

This face tracking system could be put to some very good use in Australia. All we’d need to do is set these cameras up in major Australian cities, and we might be able to finally track down the location of, say, Alby Mangels or Yahoo Serious. (Be warned. Yahoo Serious is releasing a new movie this year and critics say it smells reaaaaal bad.) Actually, it’s a wonder that Yahoo! (the web site) hasn’t employed Yahoo Serious as a spokesman.

I’ve heard that Foxtel are actually investing money into the camera’s use in Australia. They’ve got Andrew Daddo locked up in a room, and are now trying to track down the other Daddo brothers so they can set up a Daddo channel.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 11th, 2000 at 11:56 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.