The Jeb Guide to Playing Blackjack
January 11, 2001
Late last year I fell victim to blackjack, and became a gambling addict.
Oh, alright. I was only seriously addicted for a couple of days, but I was still addicted. So I was a Diet Coke kinda gambling addict, but I’m crap at everything I do, so that’s okay.
Since then, I’ve had a go at blackjack a couple more times, and have learnt that in a controlled environment, there’s nothing wrong with blackjack. (It does help if you’re comfortable with losing hundreds of dollars, but this is optional).
I’ve only ever been to two casinos - Star City in Sydney (which constantly makes me want to go to the toilet because of all the fountains and running water throughout the casino), and Crown Casino in Melbourne, which I prefer over Star City because the blackjack dealers are actually quite chatty and nice. Also, Star City uses a Moby song from his album ‘Play’ in their advertising. They’ve broken an unwritten rule of advertising there - Moby’s album ‘Play’ is supposed to strictly only be used for car ads. In fact, it’s difficult to think of a car ad that doesn’t feature a Moby song.
But back on track. I present to you now, my seven steps on how to become a successful blackjack player. It took me a while to figure these out, but I learnt them all through personal experience. You can win the respect of all players at the table as long as you follow some simple tips.
Step one: don’t have dihorrea. This will drastically improve the continuity and hygiene of the game. There is plenty of good medication available. Go to the chemist, not the casino. I don’t care how desperate you are to win. If you’ve got the trots, go take up heroin as your addiction or something - you can do that at home.
Step two: actually know how to play blackjack. The first time I played blackjack was a drunken night at Star City. I was actually staying in their hotel, but received a free $10 chip for use in their casino. What the hell, I thought; and drunkenly slammed the chip down. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware that the protocol for requesting another card from the dealer was to ’scratch’ the table with your finger. Instead, I simply barked ‘YEP!’
Step three: don’t correct the dealer when they didn’t make a mistake. For some reason, they don’t like this much. Also, everyone else on the table laughs and sniggers.
Step four: hard as it may be - try not to correct the dealer when they DO make a mistake. They get agitated, and have to call over a supervisor; and in some cases watch a video playback. This causes the other players on the table to sigh and mutter. Especially don’t correct the dealer on a mistake they’ve made which isn’t blackjack-related at all. No matter how stupid their facial hair is, try to keep your thoughts to yourself.
Step five: avoid wearing t-shirts of metal bands into a casino.
Dealer: What’s that t-shirt of?
Me: Filter.
Dealer: What’s that?
Me: A band.
Dealer: I see.
Me: Yes.
Dealer: Did security see you walk in?
Me: Um… yes.
Dealer: Are you sure?
Me: It’s okay to wear a Filter t-shirt, isn’t it?
Dealer: Well, that’s up to security.
Me: Oh.
Dealer: Yes.
Me: That’s a bit rude, then, isn’t it?
Dealer: Excuse me?
Me: What, were you going to go and get security to kick me out or something?
Dealer: I may have been.
Me: Bastard.
Dealer: What?!
Me: (realising I’m too drunk) Shit.
Dealer: Security!
Step six: don’t look for a footrest on the table. There are two kinds of blackjack tables at casinos - tables with high chairs, and low chairs. The high chairs have a footrest, but the shorter chairs don’t. Once I was playing blackjack with my fellow gambling addict Cam at a shorter table, and my feet were searching around for something to rest on. Finally, I found a comfortable shelf to place my feet, before realising that it wasn’t actually a shelf at all but someone else’s feet.
Me: Cam?
Cam: Yes?
Me: Are those your feet?
Cam: What?
Me: My feet. Are they touching your feet?
Cam: No.
Dealer: Those are actually my feet you’re touching.
Me: Shit.
Dealer: Security!
Step seven: this is the most important step. If you even slightly suspect you’re drunk, whatever you do - don’t continue drinking at the table. Maybe I’m just uncoordinated, but I had a nasty experience recently. The dealer calmly dealed out the hand, and as I went to wave my hand to indicate I didn’t want any more cards, it wacked my glass of bourbon across the table and spilt a brown mess everywhere. I’m lucky as hell it didn’t knock over anyone’s chips, but the look on the dealer’s face suggested that she didn’t quite know the protocol when someone knocked over their glass.
‘This must happen all the time,’ I grinned, stifling a hiccup as I tried to make light of the situation.
‘No, it does not,’ she snapped. Then, she cried ‘Security!’
Follow these steps, and you too will be a successful blackjack player. However, heroin is far more interesting and gets you more sympathy when you’re in trouble, so maybe that’s a better option for you, discerning addict.
