Spiderdick
Recently I was lying in bed and saw a strange shape moving around in the blinds covering the window above me. After giving the blinds a quick whack, I realised that it was one mother of a giant spider.
‘It’s a tarantula!’ Adam murmured, half asleep next to me.
‘I don’t think so,’ I replied. ‘It’s got a face like that woman from Suddenly Susan.’
It’s true - the spider did. Suddenly Susan is scary enough without having the likeness of the lead character transplanted onto a spider.
‘I don’t think I can sleep while that thing hangs around up there,’ I said.
‘What, are you scared?’ Adam provoked.
‘No, it’s just… I’m not scared of spiders, but that’s nearly a tarantula up there,’ I shivered.
‘Just ignore it,’ Adam concluded.
‘What? It might not be a proper tarantula, but it’s at least Diet Tarantula, you’ve got to admit.’
‘What can it do?’ Adam sighed. ‘Piss on you during the night?’
‘Spider don’t piss,’ I laughed.
‘Yes they do,’ Adam replied, pokerfaced. ‘Everyone has to piss.’
‘Spiders do not piss,’ I repeated. ‘You show me a spider with a penis.’
‘Spiders have penises!’ he exclaimed. ‘Spiders do so have penises.’
‘Oh, come on, I’ve seen close up pictures of big spiders like tarantulas and they sure as hell don’t have a penis,’ I replied.
‘So where does everything come out after they’ve eaten?’ Adam challenged.
‘Web,’ I confidently replied. ‘It’s all just web.’
‘No, you’re very wrong. This spider has a penis and he’s going to pee in your mouth tonight,’ he predicted.
‘How do you know it’s a male?’ I wondered.
There was a short period of silence before Adam hissed ‘I know it’s a fucking male.’
‘Why?’ I couldn’t help but ask.
‘Because it’s got a penis,’ was the reply.
‘Maybe he does have a penis, but only web comes out of it,’ I decided.
‘That’s disgusting,’ Adam spat.
‘What, and talking about a spider’s penis peeing isn’t?’
‘Just go to sleep, and let the spider pee on you.’
‘Fuck this,’ I sighed. ‘Let’s get a ke… oh, wrong story.’
Then I slept as a dirty big asexual spider watched over me during the night.