Today I witnessed or was on the recieving end of four insults, which I present for you here. Please attempt to use them in casual conversation tomorrow (ESPECIALLY number 4).

1. One of the girls who sits near me has just got her hair cut really short. Everyone thought it looked really nice.

Me: Hey, that looks great!
Haircut girl: Thank you! (beams)
McCraig: Awesome!
Haircut girl: Aww, thanks.
Kazza: I want to get my hair cut like that!
Haircut girl: You’re too kind.
Me: Wow. Now you can be the woman you always wanted to be!
Haircut girl: Just like the ads, I know!
Big Mo: (bursts into office) Fuck, the lesbian look is SO YOU!

2. I bought a thickshake today. I’ve had trouble with this particular store before - there’s one guy who works there who I just can’t understand.

Icecream man: Shneep jiggoy your shake. (passes thickshake to me)
Me: Um… pardon?
Icecream man: Your shake. Shneep jiggoy fit!
Me: Sorry, I… I missed that.
Icecream man: JIGGNOY FIT SHAKE!
Me: Uh… um…
Icecream man: PLEASE. ENJOY. YOUR. SHAKE.
Me: Ohhh! I see. Yes, of course. Um… I’ll do my best.
Icecream man: YOU WILL ENJOY YOUR SHAKE!
Me: Yes! Yes!
Icecream man: Idiot!
Me: (I quickly try to think of an insult, but experience a brain fart. The best I can come up with is…) Scoopy.

I think I was referring to the ice cream scoop. Or something.

3.

Kazza: My feet are so sore.
Big Mo: Why’s that?
Kazza: I got new shoes. I’ve got blisters.
Big Mo: Oh, they’re just not used to the altitude.
Kazza: What do you mean?
Big Mo: They’re used to being up above your shoulders.

4.

Kazza: You know when a dog takes a dump on the ground?
Me: Um… yes.
Kazza: And then it stays there and dew congulates on it in the morning?
Me: Uh…
Kazza: Then, towards the end of the day, it starts drying out, and starts to get stinky.
Me: I’m familiar with the process.
Kazza: It goes white and crusty after that.
Me: Please.
Kazza: Then, after a few more days it starts to develop a type of mold.
Me: Stop it! Stop it!
Kazza: You know what you are?
Me: What?
Kazza: That mold is YOU.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 17th, 2001 at 11:35 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.