(No more Napster journal entries after this, I promise)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

WEDNESDAY: Napster Inc. would like to announce that our snotty little teenage CEO has been replaced by a figurehead of the industry.

Mr Lars Ulrich is now our new Chief Executive Officer. We would like to welcome Lars on board.

Mr. Ulrich has much experience in pretending to be proficient at jobs he’s actually not. Most recently Lars pretended to be a solicitor-at-large (but we don’t talk about that anymore), and more famously Lars has also pretended to be a band manager.

Immediately after taking up his position, Lars declared ‘MP3′ a forbidden word upon company premises, announced further use of the buzzword ‘Larshole’ amongst employees would result in instant dismissal and ruled the company’s flagship filesharing service redundant and illegal.

He then announced a new business direction for Napster, targetting what he believes to be an untapped market.

‘We are now focusing ourselves on writing Y3K protection software,’ Mr. Ulrich announced on Tuesday. ‘After all, the next millenium is only ten years away.’

Reporters questioned how his new position would effect his role as drummer for Metallica.

‘Metallica? Wha- oh, that!’ Lars laughed when asked. ‘In case you haven’t noticed, since we released Load everything’s pretty much been made up on the spot… it doesn’t take up a lot of my time. We tend to re-hash old classics too, that saves a lot of mucking around. After the success of Unforgiven II, we decided we could release at least two albums worth of re-hashed material, so we released Garage Inc., and S&M.’

Lars is confident his newly found managerial directions will unlock unseen value in the company.

‘By becoming the premier producer of Y3K protection software, we will protect computers across the globe,’ he said. ‘We will no longer have to worry about all two thousand of the milleniums.’

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 18th, 2001 at 12:16 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.