Hello. It is God here. I would like to make an important announcement.

Today I would like to announce the end of the world.

Excuse me. Could you hush a little up the back?

What? You’ve..?

Oh, I’ll answer questions afterwards.

Stop bothering me!

You can ask me any other time you want, you know. I’m omnipotent. Just don’t interrupt me right now.

Oh for crying out loud. No, ‘End of the World’ is not a new dance party, you infantile crackhead.

Now if you would let me continue? Thank you. I have a few more messages in relation to this announcement.

To L. Ron Hubbard: scientology, very clever. I especially like that whole celebrity Tom Cruise thing. I might borrow that next time round, if that’s okay.

To the gay community: I’ll be honest, I don’t really have much of a problem with you, but these comments that Jesus looked like he was gay are beginning to annoy me. Still, I won’t have to worry about this any more.

To the Catholic Church: what the fuck?!

To Fiona Horne: you can stop banging on about wicca now.

To the producers of the Survivor TV show: cute, but we thought of the idea first.

That is all. The Ladies’ Guild has prepared a delightful morning tea at the back of the building - there’s some particuarly nice fruit scones and shortbread.

Oh, and Prince - could you come and see me after this, please. We’re all a bit confused about you, and not sure if we should you to Heaven or Hell. Please talk to us.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

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