What Happened to My All-Powerful Inhalation?
Something’s really wrong with my nasal passages.
My nose has never caused me too much grief. It performs its required functions sufficiently, even remained pimple-free during my most oily of puberty years - hell, it’s even acrobatic. I can perform synchronised flaring to any decent industrial metal track.
But something’s gone amiss since around March. My nasal passages feel somewhat strangled. My nose is struggling to cope with it’s oxygenic workload.
I have impotence of the nasal passage.
It is now normal for me to only have access to nose-breathing activity through one nostril. The frustrating (and X-Files-esque) issue is that the functioning nostril ALTERNATES.
Explain that, Mulder! (Or Diet Coke Mulder Replacement!)
It’s as if my nostrils have signed some sort of bodily union agreement, so one of the nostrils copes with some extra workload while the other nostril buggers off to the pub.
I may as well sever my nasal septum and save myself the worry. At least that could accommodate some modern-looking piercing.
God forbid if I ever find myself in a social situation that involves cocaine. Let’s face the facts: if I’m snorting coke, I’m likely to be drunk. If I’m drunk, I’m likely to forget which nostril is currently on duty.
The result? Well, a bit of an embarrassing mess, I think.
Still, I’m not backing down. I’m going to show my nostrils that I mean business. If I don’t lay down the law for the rest of the body, it’ll be only a matter of time before other imperative organs begin packing it in as well. I can picture my bowels taking the afternoon off with my urinary tract attempting to take on some extra workload. My heart’s left ventricle could decide it’s sick of all this hard work and take a week’s leave. The prospect of limbs taking a cigarette break is terrifying. The stand-off could even get to the unthinkable stage where my brain begins taking a sickie every now and then. (Although if it already is, this could explain a lot).
There’s also the issue of my blind eye. I’ve been blind in my right eye since birth - OR SO I’VE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE! How do I know my right eye isn’t living an everyday retina’s dream? What the fuck has my consistently-dilated right pupil been doing for the past 21 years?!
But this really is of no concern. After consulting with some negotiation experts, I’ve come up with a battle plan. I will assault my nasal passages every day, with a designated substance for each day.
Sunday Ammonia
Monday Nail polish remover
Tuesday Superglue
Wednesday Amyl nitrate
Thursday Butane gas
Friday Paint thinner
Saturday Axl Rose’s bike pants
As you can see, the war is already won.