Dot Com Company - The Musical
March 11, 2005
Wrote this a few years ago on my old site, but I’m not afraid of some shameless recycling.
*****
(Curtain rises. An open plan office filled with flat-screen monitors and workers - average age 23, clad mostly in rave attire - buzz around the stage. Lights dim and spotlights shine on a group of four business development workers in a meeting room, clad in suits. Gloomy music from the strings section of the orchestra begins).
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER 1 (hands on face):
Another day at this job, trying to create new web fads.
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER 2:
Another day at this job, finding more spaces for our ads.
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER 3:
Another day at this job, creating new revenue streams.
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER 4:
Another day at this job…
(Fast drum beat and saxophone kicks in. All OFFICE WORKERS dance on top of desks. All BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGERS begin tapdancing)
ALL BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGERS (shouting):
This job is simply our worst dream!
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER 2:
When the best thing you come up with
Is a new crappy news ticker
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER 4:
You know it’s time to see your bosses
Let them know you’re a great arse licker
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER 1:
We all know the business is screwed
But that won’t stop our drive
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER 3:
From creating ridiculous projects
With a new media budget from 1995!
ALL BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGERS (shouting and tapdancing on their table):
‘95!
‘95!
Nine… tee… FIVE!
(Spotlights focus on a huddled group of scruffy characters, leaning over monitors)
DEVELOPER 1:
We’re Javascripting all day long
For sites we think are technically wrong
DEVELOPER 2:
These designs are bad and although we smell
Whoever runs this needs to learn HTML
(Two power-dressed female SITE PRODUCERS with avant-garde haircuts appear stage left)
SITE PRODUCERS:
If anyone has any feedback we’d love to know
This e-commerce site’s been ours for three years in a row
DEVELOPER 1:
The navigation is fucked and if I am correct
If you bought products from us, you would need your head checked
SITE PRODUCERS:
This is our baby! How dare you say!
Under our rule, this site will bring down eBay!
DEVELOPER 2:
Shut up your face, you stupid shits!
You can’t run a site and you’ve both got no tits!
(Ominous music sounds. HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER floats down from the ceiling)
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER:
Oh my! Oh my! Is this conflict I hear?
At last a challenge for me that goes beyond ordering beer!
SITE PRODUCERS:
Don’t worry, there isn’t anything here that you can fix
These idiots are just realising they have no life beyond Unix
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER:
Fabbo! Let me know if anything does go wrong
I only spread rumours from employee records all day long…
(An army of well-dressed ACCOUNT MANAGERS with sparkling smiles march onto the stage with laptops under one arm)
ACCOUNT MANAGERS:
SALES!
The best career here by far!
Where else do you get paid
To drive round in a luxury car?
COKE!
Is what we snort all day long
And once we get home
We just go back to the bong
PERKS!
We get astronomical pay
Though it may have something to do
With our 14 hour days
CREDIT CARDS!
We claim expenses more than most
Everything from client dinners
To trips to the Gold Coast!
SALES! SALES! SALES! SALES!
(CAN-CAN GIRLS appear at rear of stage and hoist ACCOUNT MANAGERS above their heads. CEO appears stage left. ACCOUNT MANAGERS thrust hands above their heads and CEO pulls hair from his head whilst frowning)
ACCOUNT MANAGERS:
SALES! SALES! SALES! SALES!
Business wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for our money making
CEO:
SALES! SALES! SALES! SALES!
Soon I’ll fire half of ‘em because the sales are just scraping
ACCOUNT MANAGERS:
SALES?
CEO:
SALES!
CAN-CAN GIRLS:
SALES, SALES, SALES, SALES!
(All exit stage. A lone young SALES SUPPORT MAN enters stage right, dragging his feet to centre stage, followed by a spotlight. Orchestra begins sad, sweeping strings music)
SALES SUPPORT MAN (whispered):
Sales… sales… sales… sales…
One day I will snort coke too.
One day…
(SALES SUPPORT MAN chokes back tears)
SALES SUPPORT MAN:
One day…
I will snort coke too.
(The background painting rises into the ceiling, revealing a reception area clad with lava lamps. RECEPTIONIST is sitting behind a desk. Ten male GO-GO DANCERS surround her. Orchestra begins playing ‘YMCA’ by the Village People)
GO-GO DANCERS:
Reception!
RECEPTIONIST:
Walk over here and I’ll snap at you
GO-GO DANCERS:
Reception!
RECEPTIONIST:
I sit here all day on ICQ
GO-GO DANCERS:
Reception!
RECEPTIONIST:
Supposed to be paperless here
ALL:
But I still order stationary all year
(VISITING BUSINESSMAN enters stage right)
VISITING BUSINESSMAN:
Young girl!
I have a meeting here today.
RECEPTIONIST:
Fuck off!
I can see your toupee.
VISITING BUSINESSMAN:
Well now!
How professional’s that?
GO-GO DANCERS:
She’s the lowest paid here and doesn’t give a rat’s!
(RECEPTIONIST and GO-GO DANCERS light cigarettes and turn their backs to VISITING BUSINESSMAN. Curtains close briefly, then re-open, revealing the office set now occupied by hundreds of feverishly typing CONTENT PRODUCERS)
CONTENT PRODUCER 1:
We are the true worth of these sites
But nobody can understand our true plight
CONTENT PRODUCER 2:
This is a very grim halfway job
Everyone here wants to be a journalist snob
CONTENT PRODUCER 3:
Re-typing press releases and IT product reviews
This job leads us nowhere, we’re all bound to lose
ALL:
The only way we manage to keep from getting stroppy
Is by deliberately inserting lots of defaming copy
(ALL STAFF enter stage left and right. A trumpet sounds)
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER:
The CEO is making an important speech now!
It’ll surely beat drawling from his stupid assistant cow!
CEO:
You may all have heard rumours about the future of us
FINANCIAL CONTROLLER:
I’ve known from day one that things here were a bit sus
CEO:
We must simply stop drinking from the dot com communal trough
CUSTOMER SERVICE STAFF:
Oh fuck. Oh fuck. He’s laying us off
CEO:
The term I will use is “the business’ second phase”
DEVELOPERS:
He’s only firing us to ensure he gets his pay raise!
SITE PRODUCERS:
Our jobs are safe. Our work is just stunning!
CEO:
Site producers go first to keep our business running.
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER:
All of you, line up, as we prepare to extrude.
CAN-CAN DANCERS AND GO-GO DANCERS:
Now they will have to beg for their food!
(Orchestra begins playing reprisal of BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGERS theme)
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGERS:
So now it’s all over
We can stop working in this hive
Go back to proper jobs
Like back in 1995!
ALL:
‘95!
‘95!
Nine… tee… FIVE!
