The Apprentugilist
March 31, 2005
Easter was spent in Melbourne, where I promptly decided to slip into Pimp Mode and strut around Crown Casino like I owned the place. I’ve got a real soft spot for blackjack, mostly because I’m incredibly fucking good at the game - taught myself how to card count and all.
So after anguishing over blackjack and a spot of roulette, I came out with a bit less than I went in with. Having spent most of the evening observing me from the safe distance of the bar, Adam decided we should put $20 into a pokie machine. Of course, this five second gamble was when we won hundreds of dollars - not the hours I’d just spent slaving over a hot roulette wheel. It pisses me off because it disproves my theory of pokies never paying!
Of course, after that, we ascended into UberPimp mode and start throwing back $30 bourbons and shit. Thankfully, I wasn’t that pissed to talk Adam out of buying a $150 shot of cognac - I do draw the line (I mean, it’s wine, also known as Fag Juice).
So now it’s back from holidays to the drudgery of work, and trying to make products which have literally been banned by the ACCC sound like they’re part of a Price is Right showcase. Looking for another job is seriously on the agenda, considering my work wants to move even further out west (currently I wake up at 5.30am and get home at 8.00pm, so I’m definitely not up for extending my day any longer than necessary).
One idea which occured to me yesterday is to look around for jobs in TV again (I think the homo in my genes is naturally calling me back). A few years ago I used to “talent” manage most of the contestants from the first series of Big Brother (well, those that weren’t smart enough to sign up to a proper talent agency, anyway). This involved mostly accompanying Big Brother contestants to nightclubs, hanging out in VIP lounges, taking screaming phone calls from TV industry wackos at midnight, and drunkenly (and ohhh so awkwardly) telling Todd how much I loved him. I’d totally be up for that again. Why am I working out west helping offload dodgy Chinese imports instead?
Better yet, I could host a show. We’ve yet to see an Australian version of The Apprentice, and I’m pretty sure I’m good at yelling at people when they fuck up their job. Adam’s been watching downloads of The Contender as well, that Sylvester Stalone boxing reality show… maybe we could combine the two shows into one.
Just think about it: I could yell “YOU’RE FIRED!” at someone, the camera would cut right to a shot of me in drag dressed as Caroline nodding knowingly, then Adam would emerge from the shadows and repeatedly kick the fired contestant’s head, bellowing “YOU’RE FIRED! YOU’RE FIRED!” every time he booted them, until they were dead. Ratings winner. Channel 9, I’m totally throwing you a bone.
