Predictably, certain areas of my body still feel like they’re part of some neverending hydroclauric acid fondue party. To counter this, I’ve been watching some embarassing DVD purchases I’d care not to mention, such as Buffy, Babylon 5, a few DVDs to keep my mind off things.

Incredibly, I’ve now succesfully managed to somehow do my back in on top of all this, and aditionally have become painfully constipated. My immune system is now either directly equating to Gianna “I’m very intellect” Big Brother’s capacity for lateral thinking, or is accurately simulating my body at age 70.

I’ve not been outside for five days while I build up my ability to walk around rather than waddle. Hopefully, I’ll be able to walk at least up the road for a few brews at the pub today. Maybe that’ll uncork me. All I know is that I’ve got to get out of the house soon, it’s driving me crazy.

D’you know what I could do with in times like this? My very own Forty Winks choir. You know, the choir who is so unbearably enthusiastic about bedroom suites in the Forty Winks ads, they inappropriately interrupt the voiceover man with ascending bursts of “BEEED ROOOOM SAAAAAAAAAALE!” Or sometimes, stabbing out in staccato chants: “ONLY! FOR! 48! HOURS!”

Think about it. If I was slowly making my way up the road, and passed a neighbour of mine who enquired as to why I looked so poorly, the Forty Winks choir could cut them off rudely and explain everything. “HEEE HAS HAAAAD A DRaAAaaaAaaSTIC OP! ER! ATIONNNNN!” I’d even be able to start walking away while they chanted, “KINDLY! FUCK OFF! HE’S IN NOOO MOOOD TO TALLLLLLLK! WINK WINK!”

At least I’ll be able to work from home for the next week, to get my mind off things. It’s a shame I’m not able to get into the office, as there’s two new people joining my team and I was planning on having recovered by then, but it looks like I’ll be housebound for another week at least.

Fortunately, this means I’ll probably get to skip out of my training duty. I’m a real shocker for training, especially if PowerPoint slides are involved. I usually spend more of my time creating the most stereotypical ironic PowerPoint slides possible instead of actually crafting quality training.

Anyone who’s been trained to the sight of a PowerPoint slideshow knows what I’m talking about here. I’m sure you’ve often thought before - did each letter of the heading on that slide really need to swivel in individually, with metallic sun-orange 3D perspective Impact font, and a “swoosh” noise as each letter flew onto the screen?

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