I’d only glimpsed Temptation by accident at the gym. To this fella’s highly-trained gameshow eye, it seems there’s been more of a thunderously violent overthrow of Sale of the Century’s format than first meets the eye.

On Monday night, I didn’t see three highly intelligent contestants who looked like their idea of wild achievement was a contended “Ahhh!” after completing the Sunday crossword. Ohhh, no.

Not at all. Instead, all I saw was a big, brainy, hairy, woofy daddy bear. The near-mute woman next to him seemed to be his fag-hag realising her pending use-by date, and judging the third contestant’s potential for a longterm relationship for her pet homo.

Seriously. I could hear the ominous low growls of sleazy, dodgy bears all over our gay-riddled postcode region as the contestant bear’s rising score exactly mirrored the growing cock length in centimetres of certain viewers.

And tonight - again! The bear returned to play another night, this time matched up with another overly articulate, incredibly smart daddy bear! Seriously, what the fuck have Grundy done to the show? Is there some sort of horrendous casting couch at Grundy’s headquarters where some great lumping TV-bear is growling at every mountain of hairy manlard that lumbers through the door?

Ed Phillips, you know you’re just a bear in waiting too! You’ll let yourself go eventually, and the whole show will become some sort of terrifying softcore porn for intellectual faggot bears - you know the kind, the scary ones who are all too happy to pore over volumes of ancient Japanese art whilst fucking themselves with a vibrating buttplug. Ed, you may as well resign yourself and just pile into the fast food already. It’ll be easier than Atkins!

I’m dead set convinced on this: there’ll be nary an episode of Hibernation, as I’ve now decided to name it, without some Bear Pride™ representative present.

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