1. Diet Coke was featuring a contest over the last few weeks - “Win the Life of an X-Factor Contestant!” In retrospect, this would seem to be either an ill-advised investment by Coke’s marketing team; or an incredibly well-planned piece of quasi-existential art (ie, it would now seem that everyone is a winner).

2. We have a bin in our bathroom, but strangely, most objects flung into it are not what you’d expect. More often than not, it’s empty cans of soft drink. The sad thing is, they’re only there because we probably ran out of beer at the time. (Come on, you’ve never sunk a stubbie in the shower or on the bog at some point? You’re lying!)

3. Possibly my most detested pub in our locale is the Fishbowl in Kings Cross. This generic, faceless pub attracts hordes of backpackers and bored tourists, and sits at the front of the Cross like a scabby STD perched at the entry to a gaping, diseased orifice. Why am I so suddenly besmitten by it? It’s the first pub I think I’ve been to in Sydney which has completely banned smoking. This must have been a recent decision, as the backpackers seem to have cleared off (in fact, predictably, everyone seems to have cleared off, but I’m not complaining).

4. Dendy Cinemas may charge more than most for a cinema cup of Coke. But when you’re innocently asked in a honeysweet posh English voice, “Do you take ice with this?” you’re suddenly more than happy to pay ridiculously premium prices for the privilege.

5. I’m certain that Pepsi Light doesn’t exist. Have you ever bought a bottle of Pepsi Light? Have you ever seen advertising for Pepsi Light? Have you ever seen a bottle of Pepsi Light?! Exactly. They’re all prop bottles or something.

6. My excuse for occasionally guzzling girly orange and mango-flavoured alcopops is because I’m allergic to citrus juice, but love the taste of orange and mango. Breezers and Cruisers are the only orange and mango flavoured drinks which don’t contain any trace of juice (even cordial and stuff - seriously, go and look). I’m deadly fucking serious, they’re the only completely synthetic orange and mango drinks out there. Stop hitting me!

7. Despite what you may think, Rolf Harris was fucking HOT in his early twenties before he grew a full beard. He used to have a goatee like mine, and… suddenly his wobbleboard sounded like some elaborate mating call. Unfortunately, I’ve no evidence to prove my case in point - I saw Young Rolf on a documentary a year or two ago, and haven’t been able to find any pictures of him at this age.

8. Once I found one of the Swedish characters in the Ikea instruction manuals sexually arousing.

9. Wasn’t this about beverages?

10. Oh that’s right, my penis working again. It’s not half obvious is it?

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