My beloved Catties lost their match against Sydney on Saturday - the only match of the year I’ll get to see them play. In fact, not so much lost their match as suffered a public double-penetration in multiple orifices. Got me buggered what causes that team to fall apart every time they dare step foot outside Victoria.

So that was a bummer. However, I was pleasantly surprised to encounter the new “mostly” total smoking ban in pubs introduced on the weekend, rather unexpectedly. Since winter started, our local pub promptly morphed into a controlled impersonation of the Blue Mountains performing their annual January spontaneous combustion party trick. Now that the colder weather’s rolled in, our pub keeps the doors clamped shut, spawning an eerie, self-supporting Marlborosphere hovering five metres below the ceiling.

But now that’s all gone, and I’m realising some interesting things about our local. For example, the walls which appear to be coated with nicotine, are now almost certainly actually coated in the stuff. The ashen carpet? Probably actual cigarette ash. Or a complete absence of actual carpet in the first place.

So, as someone who studiously avoids smoking legal substances (you get the idea) I’m pretty much all for it. Tell you what I would love to ingest, though, is some piss from those “alcohol without liquid” machines. You know, those crazy machines which seem to be all the rage in the UK, which spontaneously turn any alcoholic beverage into a puff of breathable piss. If only we could use them at home! We’d all switch from bucket bongs to bucket boozepulls in an instant.

What’s mildly scary is how easy it is to ingest one standard glass of alcohol in a few moments. Although on consideration, that’s kind of awesome. You could suck in a COMPLETE SLAB in seconds! Perhaps cheating death at the same time, granted, but how fucking awesome would that be?

Well, apparently a little bit too fucking awesome for Australians, seeing as the NSW state government at least seems to have outlawed it. C’mon, ACT, it’s time for you to step up to the plate. It’ll be a gas.

Rockstar INXS starts in a few moments, and I think I’m going to give it a shot. Yeah, I’m not so proud of admitting that I’ll be watching it. I figured I’d give the show a chance, seeing as the Survivor/Apprentice dude is producing it - hopefully it won’t be too Idol-esque and a little more rock, and Dave Navarro’s beard hasn’t managed to evolve and grow entirely new and highly visible beard-related STDs of its own. I’ve got a feeling there’s a couple of Sydney contestants on the show, too. Granted, I’m no INXS fan, but it’s the closest thing yet to a metal reality show.

Actually, no - I recall Sharon Osbourne had a crappy metal battle of the bands show on MTV a while ago. Was worth watching more for the hot metal dudes than the reality drahhhmahhh though… the show had been a little bit too MTVised for my tastes.

Are there actually any INXS fans left out there? I mean, fans who are batshit insane over INXS and would buy a freakin’ INXS iPod or something? Seriously, I really do doubt it. Then again, it’s not like I’m unknown for writhing myself into a frenzied froth at the mere mention of the most obscure 90s heavy bands. Is it just me, or does anyone else bellow “Holy fuck. SKUNK ANANSIE!” when they hear songs like “Yes It’s Fucking Political” occasionally wander onto the airwaves of Triple J by accident? Usually I’m met with confused looks, like Skunk Anansie is actually a new pill-based form of dope, and I’ve just scored it really cheap.

Seems I really am stuck in the 90s though. Just a few months ago I was seriously considering shaving lines into one of my eyebrows, before I realised just how 90s alternarock that was. People don’t even really get eyebrow piercings anymore, do they? Surely my piercings aren’t a sign that I’m an old fart? And here I was contemplating dreadlocks. Headbanging grandpas - the elderly of the future! (Or perhaps we all turn into throwback INXS fans or something).

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 12th, 2005 at 7:18 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.