Who defines “hot enough”? Since when did some select group of professional homos narrowly define what the world is supposed to consider an attractive man to be?

ADAM (practicing combat moves): Stay away! Don’t fuck with me! Or I’ll take your soul!
JEB (distractedly looking up from TV guide): I need my soul.
ADAM: I am a soul weaver! Rarrgh!
JEB: ….don’t you mean soul reaver? As in, that Playstation game?
ADAM: NO. (angry pause) Soul weaver.
JEB: So what, you make soul jumpers or something?
ADAM: What […]

The footy season starts tomorrow (sort of)!
I’m so excited, I’m currently getting pre-drunk in celebration of tomorrow night.

Speaking of my parents’ novelty Christmas presents, as I’ve already noted - this Christmas I received an eerie, liquid-filled stress ball of George W. Bush’s head. Perhaps aptly, if you study it from certain angles, his noggin looks like a map of the earth.
In the closest nod we’ll probably get in Sydney to the tarantula-stuffed […]

When it comes to Christmas presents, my parents seem to have located the only Granny May’s outlet still standing, and have encountered some sort of spectacular wholesale purchase deal.
The most promising gift of reasonable practicality I can hope for is a book. Everything else is a honking, fart-noise-generating, practical joke cacophony of novelty mugs, genuinely […]

I’ve always enjoyed living near the city, although our current house has presented a rather unique problem.
There’s a small corner store near here, which we frequent for simple grocery requirements. However, should we be after something markedly supermarket-esque, need to hire a DVD, or visit a newsagent… that involves a visit to Australia’s largest red-light […]

When it comes to fitness, I’m just there to maintain myself, not to excel and become some sort of gargatuan monster. Not dissimilar to Kerri-Anne Kennerly periodically trying her botoxed hand at hosting gameshows.
No, reducing the body’s capacity to support a neck and ability to fit inside a bathtub are strictly Adam’s role in this […]

Welcome to part one of an ongoing series which threatens to eclipse the otherwise sober scribings on this site! Excuse any keyboard slurrings any advance.
Tonight’s guilty admission: there’s a homeless guy who hangs around near our place, whom I find inexplicably attractive.
This isn’t the first occurance of such vagrant lust, either. There used to be […]

Cease referring to your products and services as solutions. You should not make me so angry about petty marketing terms when I am drunk, but you do. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Insert cry icon here.

My hair is now officially receding. This will likely set forth some terrifying chain of events in my life, starting with Soundgarden being added to the “classic hits” FM stations as of tomorrow.
Although, granted, I’ve had a bit of problem with hair from the word go. I’ve never been able to grow hair on my […]

…and my shame is obsessive-compulsive viewing of Deal or No Deal, on my eternal quest to finally understand the most confusing gameshow in the world.
Where do I even begin to start? To the outside viewer, Deal shimmers as an innocent glittery gameshow, no different than the rest. How utterly mistaken you are. Perhaps you’ve […]

Daniel Johns is suddenly buff and it’s repulsive. Did he swap his anti-depressants for roids? Will the next Dissociatives album transcend the only echelon of sonic scrotum they’re yet to conquer, and release some sort of Andrew WK-style album?

When Adam and I resided in Melbourne last year, we truly understood the value of great neighbours. Up until then, we’d had a great run of near-silent people living around us. In Melbourne, though, we were dragged down into the real world by an apartment full of nerds who worked from home - exclusively between […]

I’m going to need a grandpa nap between work and seeing System of a Down tonight, because I am ridiculously tired today.
Truly, this will be my life at age 50 on most weekends. Naps, metal gigs where I’m the single obligatory 40+ saddo in a t-shirt from a band which last toured 15 years ago, […]

Also, apparently I’m the only person in New South Wales counting down the days until the AFL pre-season cup. Goddamit, I’m really going through withdrawl - especially after moving back to a state that shuns Aussie Rules in leiu of some other stupid game, which involves big beefy fellas in tight shorts, running around trying […]

Never let it be said that I’m not protected when I go out at night. Even when I was living in the depths of Redfern, as long as Adam was near me, I knew I’d be fine in the company of someone who knows…. well, I’ve lost count of how many martial arts. This is […]

Y’know what’s clobbered me over the head today, out of sheer surprise? Dawn Fraser has so far managed not to be wheeled out onto a major news program and jabber out her misguided opinions on a major sporting event (the Australian Open). My pickled memory assures me this is the first international-level pursuit of sport […]

On TV just now: “Mr Muscle loves the jobs you hate.”
Such as what? Returning DVDs to Blockbuster? Cunnilingus? Going to work? Actually, I probably could send a bottle of Mr Muscle to work in my place, and nobody would notice.

I see that Latham resigned. That’s a shame. It would’ve been fairly symbolic, war-wise (even though he opposes Iraq), to eventually have our nation spearheaded by a man who gives off the impression of closing his eyes, counting to five, breathing deeply and silently mouthing mantras from his anger management classes before he can make […]

Adam and I trundled over to our local art gallery this weekend, after we noticed an interesting photography exhibition. (Y’know, I’m really not doing very well so far to maintain my hardcore metalhomo exterior, am I?)
I’m not going to delve so far into homoblogging as to review the exhibition, but I will say that I […]

Looks like I finally got this site up and running, and it only took the breaking of my “no alcohol for four months” resolution to achieve it. Ah, but it wouldn’t be right having a site with this name, without me swigging from the bottle…
So: howdy. If you are reading this, you undoubtedly know me […]

Seeing as every man and his wheatgrass-shot-fuelled dog seems to be opening up juice bars, I figured there must be another way for people to happily fork over $8.50 to wait in a line for 20 minutes for a small cup of fruity flesh.
Also bearing in mind that bottled water is a ridiculous scam… I’m […]

When I was a kid, I had a wire installed behind my front teeth to straighten them up a little. After leading a happy, dentally oblivious life for the past 10 years; the wire snapped behind my front teeth last week.
Believing this was simply a piece of mangled meat caught behind in my wire - […]

I’ve always been faintly amused by Christian groups earnestly conducting de-homo-ising workshops. They’re no less bizarre than gay Liberal voters, really.
Which is why a random conversation between a particular Kiwi and I lead to the inception of Boobies for Jesus™. Not entirely unlike the World Vision model of sponsoring a needy child, Boobies for Jesus™ […]

Work is a great heaving dry monster of a shit plugged far up my rectum, blocking Adam and I from moving to Melbourne and… doing cool stuff. My mind’s in Melbourne but the body’s still stuck here traipsing off to work at the usual ridiculous hours that a rotating roster likes to pummel me with.
I […]